JRAV-19: The New Virus on Fashwet’s Doorstep

With the advent of COVID-19, the globe has been embracing a pandemic. Pandemics have not been seen in the U.S. as far back as ten whole years. Even though we’ve gained much insight into communicable disease, there is a dormant virus that makes the demographic of Fashwet especially vulnerable. That virus is the JRAV-19.

JRAV-19 captured under an electron microscope alongside with other strands of coronavirus.

How did it spread?

Unlike similar diseases within its family, JRAV-19 is not restricted to one season such as winter. In fact, there are three seasons in which JRAV-19 becomes most active: baseball, football and basketball. The time exposure within itself is a cause for concern. However, JRAV-19 is peculiar in that, despite the lack of sports seasons, there still is evidence of spread, albeit slow.

JRAV-19 has been primarily witnessed during egregious transactions between team members (also known as “trade rape”). Absent of a sporting season, JRAV-19 has been transmitted through cheek clapping. Evidence has been demonstrated through untenable levels of dates obtained from Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, OKCupid, Zoosk, Match, eharmony, JDate, AdultFriendFinder, and questionably, BlackPeopleMeet.

What is the risk?

An incredibly sophisticated model that you’re too stupid to understand was developed that we recommend should not be peer reviewed but should have the ultimate decision on Fashwet policies moving forward.

Ignoring the major short comings of modeling risk and projections, the graph clearly shows that nearly every Fashwet could be impacted by the onset of JRAV-19 after a draft occurs in a given season. Despite there are several options that were unexplored (like the Swedish strategy), it is clearly evident that by having the most extreme controls, roughly 70% of Fashwets can be saved.

How do we control it?

Unlike the failure of agency response and razor-thin operating budgets/highly burnt-out staff of retirement homes/communities (to a point where it’s almost like the preliminary data and risk management concepts were grossly delayed and potentially ignored), we fortunately know some mitigation measures that can keep you and your loved ones safe from JRAV-19.

First, we have identified the most vulnerable:

  • Newborn Fashwets with <1 year of experience
  • Griff Types (GTs)
  • Those suffering from a major depressive disorder (MDD) which has become more episodic post-draft

And although the most vulnerable have been identified, this virus can impact anyone. So you should know the symptoms. Those symptoms include the following:

  • Doubt in ability to make the playoffs
  • Receiving messages from JTB while intoxicated and having second thoughts
  • Kidney disease (we don’t get it either but that dialysis machine is probably pumping in bad ideas)

So what can you do? Here are some measures to take:

  • Cover any holes in your dwelling large enough for a rat to traverse
  • Block JTB from all forms of messaging and social applications
  • Ignore polarized statements such as “Your team is garbage. I have a deal for you” and “You have nothing in [insert category]. You need help”
  • Trust the experts while taking caution to authority bias
  • Don’t trust social media for advice or anecdotal posts. Period.

There’s hope

Together, we can move forward. Together, we can reopen Fashwet operations for the greater good. There are more important things than living. And that starts with stopping JRAV-19 before it starts.

And most importantly, FJTB.

Danders was a disgruntled risk engineer that scored a 5 on his AP Biology exam, which had an essay question about anthrax transmission, thereby making him an authority on public health risk.

Commissioner DeSimone’s Draft Grades

Image result for sam darnold jets draft

The Never Give Ups

Best Pick: All
Worst Pick: N/A

Before we get started, let’s just take a moment to appreciate what I’ve accomplished over the last four years:

2017 – won FFL championship
2016 – regular season title (lost in semis)
2015 – won FFL championship
2014 – regular season title (lost in semis, fuck Jay Cutler)

No, but JTB’s right — it’s all luck! It’s sad the excuses losers will come up with to try to explain away their ineptitude. 

Anywho, I think it’s finally time to acknowledge there’s a new GOAT in town and by the looks of my draft, a third title in four years is most definitely looming. David Johnson is a do-it-all back who is the focal point of the Arizona Cardinals’ offense and a repeat of his 2016 campaign (yeah, he scored 20 touchdowns that year) is not out of the question. My WR corps is tops in Fashwet (Keenan Allen, Mike Evans, JuJu Smith-Schuster, etc.) and Jimmy Graham could easily finish as a top four tight end with Aaron Rodgers now the one feeding him in the red zone. Idiots (JTB) may try to argue my RB2 spot is weak, but I have a stable of young, uber-talented runners who are ready to take the league by storm (Kerryon Johnson, Sony Michel, Aaron Jones, Corey Clement, Nick Chubb). Oh, and I haven’t even mentioned Cam Newton, who should find himself in the MVP conversation come year’s end. Another perfect draft from your commissioner.

Grade: A+

The Toddfathers

Best Pick: Todd Gurley (Round 1)
Worst Pick: Aaron Rodgers (2)

I hope DAN’s new house has a better foundation than the one he’s built for himself in this draft. Don’t get me wrong, Rodgers is unquestionably the best quarterback in fantasy football, but to take any QB in the second round is beyond stupid — there is just so much depth at the position. He could’ve drafted, say, Stefon Diggs or Mike Evans at that spot and still have been able to acquire Cam Newton or Russell Wilson in the fifth where he took Rex Burkhead (he has a tear in his knee, no big deal for a RB). Demaryius Thomas and Marquise Goodwin were decent value picks and he made the right decision at first overall, but the rest of DAN’s draft was almost as embarrassing as his engagement photos.

Grade: D+

Social Justice Warriors Too

Best Pick: Stefon Diggs (3)
Worst Pick: Greg Olsen (7)

Jay, who just clinched the playoffs in his rookie FLB season, continued to impress me with an exceptional FFL draft. Let’s take a look at his depth at RB and WR:

RB – Le’Veon Bell, Joe Mixon, Jay Ajayi, Gio Bernard, Jordan Wilkins
WR – Stefon Diggs, Brandin Cooks, Michael Crabtree, Julian Edelman

That’s some fucking Jimmy D shit right there.

Carson Wentz in the ninth round was an absolute steal (did everyone forget he was a lock to win MVP last year prior to his injury?) and there’s a chance he could be ready Week 1. And while I don’t love Olsen with all the mouths to feed in Carolina, he should still put up TE1 numbers if healthy. I wouldn’t be surprised at all to find myself face-to-face with Jay in the Fashwet Bowl.

Grade: A

Jonny Football

Best Pick: Jordan Howard (3)
Worst Pick: Marshawn Lynch (5)

I can only imagine how hard it must be for JTB to watch from the sidelines as I compete for and win FFL championships year after year. He’s been a force in FBA and, more recently, FLB, but can’t seem to get over the hump in FFL. However, with a strong draft on Sunday, he’s put himself in prime position to hoist the strap for the first time. JTB’s backfield (Ezekiel Elliott, Jordan Howard, Derrick Henry, Marshawn Lynch) is unparalleled in both talent and depth. I don’t understand why ESPN was so low on Drew Brees, but I see him improving on last year’s numbers and finishing as top five signal caller. Davante Adams will be a problem as Rodgers’ top target in Green Bay. The Rat’s only misstep was drafting Marshawn Lynch in the fifth round — he should have went with a wide receiver as he will now have to PP his way to an upgrade over Will Fuller V. I hate you, but good job!

Grade: A-

Fuck All Of You

Best Pick: Jimmy Garappolo (13)
Worst Pick: LeSean McCoy (2)

If anyone can remember, there was once a time we considered Logan to be the GOAT. Since then, it’s been nothing but missed playoffs and all-time choke jobs and this draft is going to do nothing to help his legacy. All three of Logan’s starting running backs were on my Do Not Draft list. McCoy, a woman beater, is on the wrong side of 30 and plays in the most anemic offense in football. Do we really trust Alex Collins, a guy with no truly elite skill, to repeat what he did in the second half of last season? And don’t get me started on Lamar Miller who didn’t have a single game last year where he rushed for over 75 yards. I was going to write-in Doug Baldwin as my Best Pick, but that was before he told the media he’ll be playing hurt for the entirety of the season. But hey, Jimmy G was a nice value! John, you should’ve drafted your own team.

Grade: F

Gronk IGT

Best Pick: Saquon Barkley (1)
Worst Pick: Robert Woods (6)

It IS possible! Hankin, who JTB and his minions wanted kicked out of the league, shut his haters up with a solid performance on Sunday. The decision to take Barkley over Alvin Kamara was the right one as he is locked in as the Giants workhorse back. He’s a special talent who, I believe, has a real chance to lead the league in rushing as a rookie a la Kareem Hunt and Ezekiel Elliott. We all know the deal with Gronk — if healthy, he’s going to put up all-time numbers at the TE position — and I am bullish on all three of Hankin’s top WR (Adam Thielen, Jarvis Landry, Chris Hogan). The problem for Hankin is his RB2 position and the answer is most definitely not on his roster currently. Eric’s going to need to get creative with a trade or hope to strike gold on the waiver wire if he wants to truly contend for a title.

Grade: B-

Old Man Rivers

Best Pick: Trey Burton (8)
Worst Pick: Tevin Coleman (5)

Maybe you shouldn’t have faced a J on my balcony right before the draft, Matt. This is one of the most boring, run-of-the-mill teams I’ve had the displeasure of grading here and I don’t see any scenario where Matt returns to the playoffs this season. Taking Devonta Freeman in the second round was a mistake — he was RB13 last year and appears to be downward trending. I’m a fan of Amari Cooper’s upside and he doesn’t have much competition for targets, but you’re taking a receiver who has disappointed early in his career at his absolute ceiling in the third round. I get you want to handcuff Freeman, but Coleman in the fifth is just way too early. Matt would have been better off taking an elite QB or a RB with more upside like Dion Lewis in that spot. Burton is one of my favorite tight ends in 2018 and should thrive playing the Travis Kelce-lite role in Matt Nagy’s offense. Sadly, it’s just not going to be enough.

Grade: C-

Callahan’s Killas

Best Pick: N/A
Worst Pick: All

Brendan is a founding member of Fashwet and has been a part of all nine FFL seasons thus far. In those nine seasons, he has just one playoff appearance. One. This is a league in which 60% of teams made the playoffs up until two years ago. A truly legendary run of futility. Sadly, he won’t be making his second playoff appearance any time soon as Brendan fell asleep at the wheel (literally) and (auto) drafted one of the most abhorrent rosters this league has ever seen. Jerrick McKinnon in the third round? I almost threw up. TyMont, the third best running back on his own team, penciled in at RB2? Beyond embarrassing. When you’re counting on Josh Gordon to stay sober and Tyler Eifert to stay healthy, I’d say you’re pretty fucked. Not even Brendan and his five-star Uber rating can drive this team anywhere but the cellar.

Grade: F-

Triple F

Best Pick: Christian McCaffrey (2)
Worst Pick: Patrick Mahomes (7)

Tim was uncharacteristically quiet on Sunday in the lead-up to his first ever FFL draft and I have to say I was worried. Thankfully, I mistook his silence for laser focus as Tim put together a solid roster and set himself up for a playoff run in his inaugural season. I’m all aboard the CMC hype train and see him putting up a monster year under new offensive coordinator Norv Turner. Zach Ertz, in my opinion, is the second best TE after Gronkowski and should put up career numbers with Burton now in Chicago and Alshon Jeffrey already dealing with a multi-week injury. Corey Davis has been a popular sleeper pick all draft season and with good reason — he shined in last year’s playoffs and should be Marcus Mariota’s go-to red zone target. The only real issue I have with Tim’s draft is his decision to take Mahomes in Round 7. I get the upside is there, but he could have gotten him or another solid QB (Wentz, Andrew Luck, Matthew Stafford, Garappolo) later on and used that pick to continue to build depth. All-in-all, a very promising debut for Triple F. Can’t wait for the first in-season promo!

Grade: B+

King James

Best Pick: Royce Freeman (4)
Worst Pick: Isaiah Crowell (5)

King James drafted a team as delectable as the $40/lb duck prosciutto he brought with him. Going into the draft, Royce Freeman was a main target of mine — sadly, due to my draft position and the shrewdness of Twig, it just wasn’t meant to be — he’s a big-bodied, three-down back who should take over as the lead dog in Denver in short order. Honestly, I don’t know what’s taken CH Vance Joseph so long to realize this kid is far and away the most talented RB on the team. Julio Jones and Michael Thomas are arguably the best one-two punch at WR in Fashwet and Travis Kelce should easily finish as a top three tight end. Running back depth, however, could prove to be an issue as I’m not sold whatsoever on Crowell (will be in RBBC with Bilal Powell) or Carlos Hyde. If James can find another back, he will be one of the favorites to win it all.

Grade: B+

The Cut Your Losses

Best Pick: Tyreek Hill (3)
Worst Pick: Evan Engram (5)

Another draft, another Anders meltdown. We’ll never forget the screams and slams of my balcony door after his computer froze and he auto-picked Alshon Jeffrey (out for at least two weeks) in the sixth round. Unfortunately for him, that wasn’t the worst pick of his draft. Engram is now the third or fourth option in a Giants offense chock-full of elite pass catchers and will undoubtedly take a step back in 2018 based on target share alone. Melvin Gordon and Kareem Hunt should have solid seasons, but can Hunt be as good as he was last year? Not likely. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I saw Devin Funchess starting in Andy’s second WR slot and Tarik Cohen, for some reason, is slotted in as his Flex. Just get it over with and trade your good players to Daddy now.

Grade: D

Swaggy G

Best Pick: Leonard Fournette (1)
Worst Pick: Allen Robinson (3)

Like Triple F, this was Griff-IN’s first ever FFL draft. Unlike Triple F, Griff-IN’s draft was less-than-stellar and that’s being nice. Allen Robinson, a player coming off a torn ACL and who is going to be catching balls from Mitchell Hackenberg, I mean, Trubisky in the third round is just depressing. What the fuck were you thinking? I thought you didn’t smoke weed, dawg. And to follow that up with Larry Fitzgerald? Did you purposely pick WR with terrible QB situations? Watson has the potential to be a top QB, but he too is coming off a torn knee. Fournette is a monster and I like him to lead all backs in tuds this season if healthy, but it’s still not enough to save G-IN from missing the playoffs in yet another league.

Grade: D-

Opinion: G.O.A.T Today, Gone Tomorrow

Around 7 p.m. today, Commissioner DeSimone held a rare press conference hosted by Facebook to discuss the upcoming Fashwet World Series matchup with JTB.

The conference, which was scheduled to begin at 6:40 p.m, was delayed and nearly cancelled. The reason? Because of JTB.

Inevitably, this abhorrent delay and subsequent conference would prove to be a microcosm of Fashwet dynamics: the self-proclaimed G.O.A.T using someone as a scapegoat.

Some of the highlights:

How does it feel to be the favorite?

“I’m not the favorite. I shouldn’t be the favorite. JTB has put together this powerhouse of a team. Thanks to collusion, you know, he was gifted KB… it really is a David versus Goliath, and I am playing the role of David, I believe.”

Myth: AJ Pollock for Kris Bryant was classic trade rape.
Fact: Since the All-Star Break, AJ Pollock has batted .227 with 6 stolen bases, 34 runs, 20 RBIs and 6 HRs. Not great, but outside of batting average, has been near equal to Kris Bryant.

Just remember, this is coming from one-half of the notorious Team OK. OBJ + Jenkins for Jordan Matthews, Jimmy Graham and Eddie Lacy (2015… sad!).

“I see you’re starting a few unknowns and going for quantity over quality. Do you feel this gives you a better chance to win? Matt Olsen a NLP last week or two but this is the FWS.”

Loved it. KG with a more critical and probably most baseball-savvy question of the entire conference. The response:

“Uhh… quantity over quality, I definitely disagree with you… I’m starting five pitchers; they all have two starts.. but I’m very confident in each and every one of them… they’re all pitching great. Taijuan Walker has been pitching great. Jon Gray has been pitching great. They all have strikeout potential. I want to get out ahead. I really want to take strikeouts and wins this week…”

Despite my bias, James handled this question well and made some well-thought out decisions. A trait of a WCM. But then…

Care to comment on the fact the AJ Pollock has arguably performed better than KB since TROC?

“Thank you for the question, but, umm, as for right now, I’m not to comment on anything on the past...”

Very PC. Lackluster, but composed.

What are your views on JTB’s bizarre hatred for LC?

James projected himself through La Croix to appeal to populism. “It’s the drink of the people, I’m a man of the people, I’m a manager of the people”

I was beginning to become alarmed when he proclaimed that he is a manager of the people. Despite being a commissioner, I worry he forgets that commissioners are appointed and are limited in function. Then this question happened…

Who are you playing in honor of and who do you want to bring the trophy home for?

“All of you have been on the wrong side of the JTB rant. He is just one of the most disrespectful human beings that I know. He treats each and everyone of you like shit. He’s two-faced. He’s disgusting. Everything I do, I do for you guys…”

Appealing to the masses, pinning JTB as the enemy. He may be crass at times, but lest we forget who introduced “gamesmanship” into the Fashwet vocabulary.

Do you worry about JTB?

After repeating the question and laughing, “Classic choke artist. No, I’m not worried. I’m very confident. I can’t wait to let the chips fall where they may”

Remember when he said “I’m not the favorite; I shouldn’t be the favorite”?

But JTB is the one who is two-faced. Then it gets dirty…

Do you believe JTB’s rash of devastating losses in Fashwet have attributed to his hair loss and rat persona?

“You wanna be the G.O.A.T, but you can never beat the G.O.A.T, because to be the G.O.A.T, you gotta beat the G.O.A.T, and I’m the G.O.A.T, and JTB can’t, and JTB won’t beat me, because he isn’t able to. He’s a choke artist… and he sucks. Period”

Modesty is the best policy. And it ended after James wouldn’t comment on baldness. But thereafter, the G.O.A.T just gloated.

What cats specifically will you go on record guaranteeing?

“I’m not in that business at all. But what I do know and I do believe is that my team is better. Inevitably, we’ll come out victorious and we’re going to win at least six categories”

More or less avoiding the question. Yet the commish stated he wanted to take wins and Ks earlier in the conference. Starting to question if there truly is a plan.

Do you personally believe that if you win another FLB title, that you’re unequivocally the Fashwet GOAT?

Bragged about history for thirty seconds… but just remember, you answered a question with that you did not want to focus on the past. What about focusing on now?

What specific moment this season could you attribute your success to?

There wasn’t a specific moment and the commish did experience some fragility issues. Gave a lot of support and love to Logan.  About the only unity in this entire conference.

In closing…

James wished JTB the best of luck and that JTB would get James’ “best shot.”

My Take…

I think both have very formidable teams and this will be a great matchup, which is why I set the line near neutral.

However, we’re in curious times. So many challenges surround us: Hurricane Irma ravaging Florida, Hurricane Harvey knocking out Houston, Matt Harvey knocking out no one, the repeal and replace of KeeneyKare, failure of the GRPT.

Personally, it saddens me when a G.O.A.T tries to use someone as a scapegoat. False allegations of trade rape with enough substantial evidence as a Zeke investigation. Blatant ad hominem attacks. Disguising narcissism with false modesty after berating someone with insults essentially demonstrates the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” concept.

I’m with JTB because he truly does look for mutually-beneficial trades, calls things how it is, and does not play into Fashwet politics. JTB seeks support and opinions in strategy, which proves to be a trait of a true leader. JTB is human. He is not a rat.

JTB is who I trust.


Commissioner DeSimone’s Draft Grades

Good luck, boys!

Social Justice Warriors

Best Pick: All
Worst Pick: N/A

Let’s take a second to look at what I’ve accomplished on my historic run over the last three years:

2014 – 10-3 (No. 1 overall seed)
2015 – 10-3 (won FFL championship)
2016 – 11-2 (No. 1 overall seed)

Just, wow. And after yet another perfect draft, I’m showing no signs of slowing down. I can play match-ups with Russell Wilson and Andrew Luck, I have Jordan Howard and Christian McCaffrey leading the way in my backfield and my depth at WR is unparalleled (A.J. Green, DeAndre Hopkins, Tyreek Hill). Yeah, it’s going to be another 10+ win season for the Commish.

Grade: A+

King James

Best Pick: Marcus Mariota (8)
Worst Pick: Demaryius Thomas (2)

After losing to DAN in the Wild Card Round of the FLB playoffs, King James’ week got even worse with a poor showing in the FFL Draft. David Johnson first overall is a no-brainer, but to come back in the second round and take Thomas over the likes of Amari Cooper and Terrelle Pryor Sr. makes no sense to me. The rest of his draft was more of the same as he continued to select boring, low-upside players such as Davante Adams, Kelvin Benjamin and Robert Kelley. I’m a huge fan of Marcus Mariota and believe he finishes the year as a top five QB, but he won’t be enough to save Twig’s season from disaster.

Grade: D

The Talent Show

Best Pick: Joe Mixon (4)
Worst Pick: Eric Decker (9)

I don’t believe I’m saying this, but KG ended up with one of the best rosters in the league. He owns the league’s number one tight end (Rob Gronkowski) and best one-two punch at RB (Le’Veon Bell, Mixon). His top two wideouts, Terrelle Pryor Sr. and Martavis Bryant, should also put up big numbers in 2017. My problem with the selection of Eric Decker isn’t the player (I expect Decker to have a nice little season), but with who KG passed up. He should have selected Mariota, as his current QB situation is a hot mess. If KG can figure out QB, he has a real shot to end up with the belt around his waist come Christmas.

Grade: A

Lieutenant DAN

Best Pick: Travis Kelce (5)
Worst Pick: Bilal Powell (4)

Mr. Bootlemann owns the top QB in fantasy (Aaron Rodgers), the best WR1-WR2 combo in the league (Antonio Brown, Doug Baldwin) and a top three TE in Travis Kelce (how did he fall to the fifth round?!). However, Lieutenant DAN’s RB situation is straight-up appalling. Bilal Powell in the fourth round? Does Andy know he plays for the New York Jets? And Paul “Two Yards Per Carry” Perkins has looked terrible trying to run behind the Giants’ sub-par offensive line. Was FashDash a success? Only if Andy can figure out a way to patch together his backfield.

Grade: B

Logan Berry

Best Pick: Leonard Fournette (2)
Worst Pick: Marshawn Lynch (3)

I hate to say it, as he’s my brother (DWB4L!) and undisputed FFL GOAT, but Logan had a draft to forget on Sunday. I found it difficult to even single out my Best Pick — I love Fournette’s potential and he will be the bell cow, but he’s a rookie, plays for the Jaguars and is coming into the season with a foot injury. Marshawn Lynch is 32 years old and hasn’t played football in over a year. That is just way too much risk for me, especially in the third round. After Julio Jones, Snake’s wide receivers are Allen Robinson (another Jaguar?!) and Donte Moncrief (injury prone with an injury prone QB). And I just don’t see Cam running much at all this season with the implementation of a West Coast offense and the addition of McCaffrey, which renders him almost useless. Without multiple Snakings, Logan is destined to finish in the bottom third of the league.

Grade: D-


Best Pick: Amari Cooper (3)
Worst Pick: Jarvis Landry (4)

DONTJEWISH YOUWEREGOODATFANTASY? Hankin’s top two wide receivers are excellent (Jordy Nelson and Amari Cooper), but the rest of his squad leaves much to be desired. Matt Ryan is due for a regression, Theo Riddick is the worst RB2 in Fashwet and Delanie Walker is bleh. How do you take Jarvis Landry in the fourth round over players like Travis Kelce, Greg Olsen and Joe Mixon? Both the Commissioner and the Knishioner agree, this team is destined for the Consolation Bracket.

Grade: C-

Social Justice Warriors Too

Best Pick: Brandin Cooks (2)
Worst Pick: Lamar Miller (3)

I love Jason Hoffmann. I love social justice. I don’t love this team. Dak Prescott starting at QB? Woof. LeSean McCoy over Odell Beckham Jr.? I can’t even. Lamar Miller was one of fantasy football’s biggest busts in 2016, unable to handle an increased workload, but apparently Jay wasn’t paying attention. Carlos Hyde in the fourth was another head-scratcher. I do, however, like some of the RBs he took late (Ameer Abdullah, Tevin Coleman). Jay will need to get creative with trades if he wants to play past Week 13.

Grade: D

Show Me Your TD’s

Best Pick: Kareem Hunt (4)
Worst Pick: T.Y. Hilton (2)

In the midst of a surprisingly successful FLB campaign, DAN has put himself in position to contend for a FFL title after a strong draft. I’m very high on Melvin Gordon (even though he took him over OBJ) and his selections of Ty Montgomery (3) and Kareem Hunt (4) give The Korean Killer one of the deepest backfields in the league. I know T.Y. Hilton put up big numbers last year, but taking him in the second round with Andrew Luck still unable to practice is a bit risky for me (especially with Brandin Cooks and Doug Baldwin still on the board). Larry Fitzgerald and Brandon Marshall don’t have the ceilings I’d like, but are relatively low risk, especially where DAN drafted them. I think Jameis Winston takes a step forward and finishes the year as a top seven QB. He could use a slight upgrade at WR, but DAN should cruise into the playoffs.

Grade: B+

All Dawgs Go To Evans

Best Pick: Jamison Crowder (6)
Worst Pick: C.J. Anderson (5)

After missing the draft entirely last year following The Incident, Sinsy came back strong in 2017. Is this the best team in the league? No, but with some savvy moves, John could find himself in contention for a title by year’s end. Drew Brees is a top three QB and ADGTE’s WR depth (Mike Evans, Alshon Jeffrey, Jamison Crowder, Willie Snead) is second only to yours truly. Handcuffing DeMarco Murray with Derrick Henry was a WCM move, but C.J. Anderson is a player I am not too keen on. John will also need to find a way to upgrade from Jason Witten at tight end.

Grade: B-

Cry Me A Rivers

Best Pick: N/A
Worst Pick: Frank Gore (4)

Wow, Matt’s team is fucking awful. Taking Devonta Freeman over OBJ in the first was an obvious mistake, but the real trouble started in round three when he took Michael Crabtree about 15 spots too soon. I didn’t think it could get any worse, but Matt never ceases to amaze, as he went on to draft 34-year-old Frank Gore in the fourth cementing his inevitable last place finish. Oh, and Matthew Stafford’s his QB. Good luck touring with The Orangutans, idiot.

Grade: F

Keenan and El

Best Pick: Ezekiel Elliot (2)
Worst Pick: Adrian Peterson (5)

Talk about all the breaks! The Rat gets gifted Odell Beckham Jr. at 10th overall thanks to you idiots and Ezekiel Elliot, who JTB took early in the second round, now looks as though he will win his appeal against the NFL. Thankfully, The Flake made some mistakes which included Keenan “The Walking Injury” Allen (3), Peterson (he also drafted Jamaal Charles, let’s party like it’s 2012!) and drafting McFadden about three rounds too early. He could use a slight upgrade at QB (Kirk Cousins) and TE (Hunter Henry), but overall JTB has one of the best squads in Fashwet.

Grade: A

A Hero Fashwet Deserves

Best Pick: Tom Brady (4)
Worst Pick: Cameron Meredith (7)

Brendan has a decent Core Four in Tom Brady, Jay Ajayi, Dez Bryant and Jordan Reed (although I would have preferred Travis Kelce/Greg Olsen over the latter), but I’m not feeling the rest of his roster. Emmanuel Sanders as your WR2? No, thank you. DeSean Jackson as your Flex? I just Bootlemann’d. Listen, it could’ve been worse, especially after drafting a player on IR in Round 7 (HAHAHAHAHA), but Brendan is going to need to WCM his ass off if he wants to squeak into the playoffs.

Grade: C

The Top 10 TR’s in Fashwet History

Inspired by JTB’s Trade Grades, I decided to do a little research and rank the top ten TR’s in the history of Fashwet.

Here we go!

10) Fashwet Football League (2015)

JTB receives: QB Andrew Luck and WR Brandin Cooks
Matt receives: QB Philip Rivers and TE Travis Kelce

Tuesday, Bloody Tuesday – none of us will ever forget. I will apologize again, in writing, for my behavior that day. I should have never threatened to veto the trade or put it to a vote, but JTB’s lack of morals and total lack of respect for Matt was something I had never witnessed before and hope to never witness again. If Andrew Luck didn’t get hurt (he appeared in just 7 games in 2015) this would have been one of the most lopsided trades in Fashwet history, as Brandin Cooks finished the season with 1,138 yards and 9 TDs. The fact that Luck got injured does not take away JTB’s malicious intent, which is why this historic swap just makes the cut. Remember kids: karma is real.

9) Fashwet League Baseball (2015)

Jimmy D receives: SP Matt Harvey
Matt receives: SP Jeff Samardzija and OF Joc Pederson

This is what happens when you get high around a WCM. In the only draft day trade in Fashwet history, a pilled-out Matt traded me his third round pick (Harvey) for my sixth round pick (Samardzija) and a player in Pederson who had just 28 major league at bats at the time. I will never forget the look of shock on the faces of Brendan and JTB. Truly one of the happiest moments of my life.

8) Fashwet League Baseball (2017)

Logan receives: SP Jacob deGrom and OF Kole Calhoun
Griff-IN receives: OF Eric Thames and SP Dylan Bundy

I still quiver whenever I think about this trade. Griff-IN, brand new to Fashwet, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, thought he had a friend in Logan. He thought he had someone he could go to for advice. He looked at Logan as a big brother. Little did he know he was dealing with a black-hearted, unscrupulous snake whose moral compass points straight to the depths of Hell. Jacob deGrom, a certified ace, for a FITP outfielder and Dylan Bundy – wow. If we learn anything from this, it’s that Logan can never be trusted.

7) Fashwet Football League (2016)

Jay receives: RB Devonta Freeman and RB Jay Ajayi
KG receives: RB DeAngelo Williams and RB Theo Riddick

I will never understand what KG was thinking when he pulled the trigger on this deal early in the 2016 season. Devonta Freeman (1,079 yards, 11 TDs) and Jay Ajayi (1,272 yards, 8 TDs) both finished the season as top 10 running backs and KG traded them for three weeks of DeAngelo Williams and Theo Riddick. Sadly, this isn’t even the worst trade KG has made – just keep reading!

6) Fashwet Football League (2015)

Jimmy D receives: WR Brandon Marshall
Brendan receives: WR Martavis Bryant and TE Austin Sefarian-Jenkins

To be honest, at the time I thought this was an extremely mutually beneficial trade 😉 Martavis Bryant has all the talent in the world and Austin Sefarian-Jenkins was an up-and-coming tight end destined for stardom. Unfortunately for Brendan, both players’ careers were derailed by off-the-field issues and Marshall (1,502 yards, 14 TDs) went on to lead me to my first FFL championship. But wait! There’s more…

5) Fashwet Football League (2015)

Jimmy D receives: WR Odell Beckham Jr. and TE Austin Sefarian-Jenkins
Brendan receives: RB Eddie Lacy, TE Jimmy Graham and WR Jordan Matthews

One week later, with Brendan running a 102 degree fever and under the influence of way too much Nyquil, I hit him with another MBT 😉 Brendan desperately needed a running back and me, being the selfless friend that I am, hooked him up with the ever-so-graceful Fat Eddie. Yes, I got Odell Beckham Jr. and his 1,367 yards and 10 TDs, but it’s all about team needs! What a year it was for FCJD.

4) Fashwet Football League (2012)

Logan receives: QB Aaron Rodgers and RB Adrian Peterson
Brendan receives: QB Philip Rivers, RB Jamaal Charles and RB Darren McFadden

Let’s take a gander at Rodgers and Peterson’s numbers in 2012, shall we?

Aaron Rodgers – 4,295 yards, 39 TDs, 8 INTs
Adrian Peterson – 2,097 yards, 13 TDs (won 2012 NFL MVP)

Yeah, Logan went on to win his third title in four years.

3) Fashwet League Baseball (2017)

JTB receives: 3B Kris Bryant
Andy receives: OF A.J. Pollock and 3B Ryon Healy

Desperate for Daddy’s approval, Andy traded away reigning MVP Kris Bryant for an oft-injured player still on the disabled list and a FITP third baseman who plays for the fucking Oakland Athletics. An FLB champion in 2014, Andy’s epic fall from grace would make even Bill Cosby feel good about himself. Let’s hope FashDash can get Andy back on track.

2) Fashwet League Baseball (2014)

Jimmy D receives: SP Max Scherzer
KG receives: SP Andrew “Proven Ace” Cashner, 1B Matt Adams and 1B Jon Singleton

No comment.

1) Fashwet Basketball Association (2016)

JTB receives: SF Paul George
Jay receives: PG Michael Carter-Williams and C Marcin Gortat

Ah, the trade that gave birth to The Rat. I have never been more disgusted in my life. No question the darkest day in the history of Fashwet. This was Jay’s first year in FBA and his first year following basketball in any capacity. And here we have JTB, his “friend”, selling him waiver wire garbage for one of the top 10 players in the league. This trade went against every value us as Fashwets hold dear. However, even with the ROTC, JTB fell short in the FBA Finals. Thank you, Lubin! FJTB!

Honorable mentions

Fashwet Football League (2016)

JTB receives: WR Odell Beckham Jr. and TE Coby Fleener
John receives: WR T.Y. Hilton, WR Marvin Jones and TE Hunter Henry

Fashwet League Baseball (2016)

Jimmy D receives: SP Max Scherzer
Andy receives: OF Ryan Braun, OF David Dahl and SP/RP Danny Duffy

JTB’s Trade Grades

Welcome to JTB’s Trade Grades!  As the trade deadline approaches, I would like to take this time to grade all season-to-date Fashwet League Baseball (FLB) trades in chronological order.  In the interest of being PC, the R word will NOT be used in this review.

Wednesday April 12th – LBB trades Dylan Bundy to BB for Manuel Margot

Week 2 of the season and we already have our 1st trade (Wow.)  LBB fka The Miggy Mouse Club at this juncture was already making panic moves for a nobody OF.  BB even at this point was showing signs of malicious intent.  In the end, neither player is relevant, but BB later flips Bundy so he at least Margot some value.  Next time BB comes calling, just say Marg-No!

LBB (F), BB (C+)

Tuesday April 18th – DHK trades Kenta Maeda to BB for Aaron Nola and Blake Snell

Less than a week later and BB makes its second trade of the season.  On the surface this looks like a win for DHK fka Champions in the Maeken (MAKN) as Nola is better than Maeda, but DHK did not know baseball at this time and as we’ll find out later he will Maeken many more mistakes in the future.

DHK (B), BB (D)                     

Thursday April 27th – GRIF trades Jacob Degrom and Kole Calhoun to BB for Eric Thames and Dylan Bundy

Griff….no, no no, wtf, god no.  GRIF after over drafting every Mets player in existence, watches his season go up in Thames, by using his first Fashwet trade in history to move the ace of the Mets staff and the only SP on his team that belongs in the majors to BB (his 3rd trade of the season and it’s not even May) for a 15th round 30 year old FITP fresh off returning from Korea.  You can’t make this stuff up folks.  Likely the worst trade this season and in the running for one of the worst trades in Fashwet history.  We are all dumber thanks to witnessing this atrocity.

GRIF (F———–), BB (A+)

May 7th – MATT trades Dee Gordon to FJTB for Andrew Benintendi and Cesar Hernandez

It took a little over a month but FJTB’s (fka Matz Cats fka Xander’s Ganders fka BH 2 Rizzo) T10T marketing campaign finally finds a buyer in MATT.  Not the worst trade in history as Tendi is a NLP (nice little player), just not top 10.  MATT has not found a 2B since as Cesar Hernandez was not an adequate replacement. Disgraceful!

MATT (B-), FJTB (B+)

May 11th – AITT trades Matt Harvey to FJTB for Aaron Altherr and Zack Wheeler

This is…fine.  All WWG, but I guess Wheeler is pitching so…AITT wins?  Congrats!


May 12th – GRIF trades Steven Matz to FJTB for a pile of hot garbage

The players moved by FJTB in this deal are not even worth mentioning.  The quintessential FJTB trade of packaging a bunch of nobodies who look like they’re doing well a month into the season for a proven player.  We received a short-lived return of reigning champion Matz’s Cats as Steven would not pitch a single time for FJTB, but would prove to be a valuable trade chip later on.


May 14th – GRIF trades Jake Arrieta to PCC for Ryan Zimmerman and Joe Biagini

GRIF makes his 3rd boneheaded trade within 3 weeks as he moves his 2nd round pick for the 2nd most obvious sell high candidate this season behind Eric Thames.  Don’t get me wrong, neither player has been extremely productive since, but trades are about value both real and perceived, of which GRIF could have extracted much more in mid-May for a player of Arrieta’s stature.  GRIFs chances after this move were Zimm to none.


May 15th – AITT trades John Lackey to JTB for Lance Lynn and Brad Brach

A clear wynn for AITT as Lance has been serviceable and Brach filled a glaring hole while Britton was DL’d.  Lackey has certainly not been backey and now lives in the depths of waiver wire hellfire and brimstome.


May 22nd – MATT trades Masahiro Tanaka to BB for Charlie Morton

Morton hears a…who in the hell makes this trade?  MATT moves the struggling ace of the Yankees for a struggling back-end starter.  If that is all you’re going to get for Tanaka, why bother?  Morton ends up on the DL immediately after the trade.  Tanaka has turned things around of late.  Has BB been involved in a mutually beneficial trade yet?  No.  The Snake is showing no mercy at this stage of the season.  Next time BB comes calling, just say Masahir-No!

MATT (D+), BB (B+)

May 24th – AITT trades Corey Seager to FJTB for Xander Bogaerts, Luis Severino, and Steven Matz

Oh look a TOK trade on FJTB’s birthday….that’s not suspicious at all.  We all know AITT is always Seager to please.  In all seriousness, this might be the most MBT this season and the first of FJTBs career.  AITT trades a top SS for a very good SS, an emerging young ace in Severino, and a reliable when healthy SP in Matz.  I’m not the biggest Bog fan, but I can’t argue this one.


June 1st – DHK trades Aaron Nola to BB for Ken Giles

After trading for Nola from BB earlier in the season, DHK trades Nola back to BB shortly after his return from the DL for a closer, albeit a decent one for a good team.  The problem here is that Snake saw Corey Knebel floating on waivers who has been a seamless replacement for Giles and could have been a simple pickup for DHK while retaining the services of young Aaron.  Next time BB comes calling, just say No-la!

DHK (C+), BB (B+)

June 4th – DHK trades Ian Kinsler to JTB for Eugenio Suarez

Shortly after an injury to Jean Segura, JTB quickly fills the gap by trading young, promising 3B Suarez for reliable veteran 2B Kinsler.  Kinsler has been a bit better than Eugenio since and might prove to be a valuable commodity with JTBs loss of Correa.  Sad!

DHK (C+), JTB (B)

June 12th – HANK trades Carlos Gonzalez to BB for Jordan Montgomery and Jameson Taillon

And the Snake POS strikes again, after stealing poor Jameson from me while he recovered from testicular cancer, BB goes even lower than low buying 3rd round OF CarGo.  Does this man have no heart?  Does he have no soul?  What the imbeciles of Fashwet always misunderstand when I claim a trade is lopsided, is it is not necessarily based on future expected performance or an affinity for a certain player, but on value.  CarGo at that point in time should have net more than 2 back-end SPs with no ceilings (weezy).   CarGo has also just been beyond crap, so it’s a wash.  Next time BB comes calling, just say CargNo!

HANK (C), BB (C-)

June 13th – DHK trades Wil Myers to FJTB for Dee Gordon

It’s always fun to look at the chain that got us here…FJTB traded T10T for Dee Gordon, then Gordon for Myers, effectively trading T10T for Wil Myers.  I understand the trade…I just don’t particularly like moving an all-cat contributor for a single-cat.  DHK should probably exhibit a bit more Wil-power next time.

DHK (B-), FJTB (B)

June 19th – DHK trades Kris Bryant to JTB for AJ Pollock and Ryon Healy

I take back what I said earlier, this is the most MBT this season, and maybe ever.  My son, I mean DHK, trades the reigning NL MVP, but gets back a package to end all packages of speedy stud Pollock and emerging superstar Healy.  DHK took a risk with AJ’s injury history, but there’s no denying his production when healthy.  A model for all MBTs going forward.  Bravo guys!

DHK (A+), JTB (A+)

June 19th – LBB trades Justin Turner to FJTB for Jose Berrios

After losing out on the Ryon Healy sweepstakes, FJTB makes what looked like a panic move at the time trading promising young stud SP Berrios for the ugly face of the Juiced Ball Era Justin Turner.  So far, Turner has been a boon for FJTB while Berrios has begun to show signs of the league adjusting to him.  Still, two solid players, and Berrios was a Berry big part of LBB’s reconstruction of his rotation.

LBB (B), FJTB (B+)

June 23rd – LBB trades Justin Verlander AND Miguel Cabrera to BB for Jacob Degrom

To recap – BB acquired Jacob Degrom from GRIF for 15th round pick Thames, then flipped Degrom for Verlander AND Miggy, effectively trading FITP Thames for Verlander AND Miggy.  Now that that is out of the way.  This falls in the category with the aforementioned uneven value trades, but it is tough to argue with how good Degrom has been.  The 3rd best SP over the last month, Degrom is proving to be well worth the hefty price tag.  Snake’s scumbag buy low spree may come back to bite him here, but you can never count out these 2 all time greats.  Next time BB comes calling, Justin say no!

LBB (A-), BB (B-)

That is all the trades so far this season.  The one consistent we can all agree on is that JTB is getting screwed.

Thank you for reading and GFY.

FashNews Not FakeNews

It’s time we open the blog. If you want to be an author, please message me, Jay or James.


Please refrain from using full names or last names. This is for fun.

That’s it.

Fashwet’s 2017 MLB Predictions

Jimmy D

AL East: Boston Red Sox
AL Central:
Cleveland Indians
AL West:
Houston Astros
Texas Rangers, Seattle Mariners

NL East: New York Mets
NL Central: Chicago Cubs
NL West: Los Angeles Dodgers
NL WC: Washington Nationals, Colorado Rockies

World Series: Houston Astros vs. New York Mets (winner)

AL MVP: Mookie Betts
AL Cy Young: Yu Darvish
NL MVP: Bryce Harper
NL Cy Young: Noah Syndergaard


AL East: Boston Red Sox
AL Central:
Cleveland Indians
AL West:
Seattle Mariners
Houston Astros, Toronto Blue Jays

NL East: New York Mets
NL Central: Chicago Cubs
NL West: Colorado Rockies
NL WC: Washington Nationals, Los Angeles Dodgers

World Series: Cleveland Indians vs. New York Mets (winner)

AL MVP: Carlos Correa
AL Cy Young: Corey Kluber
NL MVP: Nolan Arenado
NL Cy Young: Noah Syndergaard


AL East: Boston Red Sox
AL Central:
Cleveland Indians
AL West:
Houston Astros
Detroit Tigers, Seattle Mariners

NL East: Washington Nationals
NL Central: Chicago Cubs
NL West: Los Angeles Dodgers
NL WC: San Francisco Giants, St. Louis Cardinals

World Series: Boston Red Sox (winner) vs. Washington Nationals

AL MVP: Miguel Cabrera
AL Cy Young: Chris Sale
NL MVP: Yadier Molina
NL Cy Young: Clayton Kershaw


AL East: Toronto Blue Jays
AL Central:
Cleveland Indians
AL West:
Texas Rangers
Houston Astros, Boston Red Sox

NL East: Washington Nationals
NL Central: Chicago Cubs
NL West: Colorado Rockies
NL WC: New York Mets, Los Angeles Dodgers

World Series: Houston Astros (winner) vs. Washington Nationals

AL MVP: Manny Machado
AL Cy Young: Corey Kluber
NL MVP: Nolan Arenado
NL Cy Young: Stephen Strasburg

Commissioner DeSimone’s Draft Grades

Good luck, everyone.

BH to the Rizzo

Best Pick: Anthony Rizzo (2)
Worst Pick: N/A

Oops, I did it again! Anthony Rizzo in the second round?! Boy, you guys are bad. My offense (Harper, Rizzo, Bogaerts, Freeman, Sanchez, Schwarber, Bregman, Benintendi, Desmond) is by far the best and deepest in the league and my pitching staff is loaded with high-upside, young flamethrowers (Cole, McCullers, Gray, Vasquez). The Commish is primed to become the first back-to-back FLB champion.

Grade: A+

Angels In The Troutfield 

Best Pick: Corey Seager (3)
Worst Pick: John Lackey (10)

Second in command, second best draft. I could not be more proud of Brendan. You can’t do much better in the first three rounds (Trout, Turner, Seager) and Harvey in the 11th is an absolute steal. Lackey and Odorizzi leave much to be desired, but I’m high on Cueto/Archer and Killa’s relief pitchers may be the best in FLB (Britton, Herrera). TOK continues to reign.

Grade: A


Best Pick: Rougned Odor (4)
Worst Pick: Corey Kluber (2)

Hankin, bro. When will he get it? Madison Bumgarner in the first round is bad. Corey Kluber in the second round is V bad. Eric’s offense is so ugly that even Brendan would swipe left if he saw it on Tinder. To have any chance, he will have to move Bumgarner or Kluber for bats ASAP.

Grade: D

King James 

Best Pick: Cole Hamels (9)
Worst Pick: Adam Jones (6)

Bleh. That’s how I would best describe Twig’s draft. He took a bunch of boring players who, in my eyes, will regress in ’17 (Votto, Braun, Villar, Jones, Hendricks, Porcello). However, thanks to Keeneykare, he might just have enough to sneak into the playoffs as a five or six seed.

Grade: C+

Pawp Culture Club 

Best Pick: Yu Darvish (5)
Worst Pick: Starling Marte (2)

Where is the pawp? Outside of Nolan Arenado, no one on PCC hit more than 27 home runs last year. Sad! I have Yu Darvish penciled in as my AL Cy Young Award winner, but the rest of John’s staff stinks more than Tim’s girlfriend’s face. And Starling Marte in the second round? That’s the type of reach that can cost a team a playoff berth.

Grade: C

McCutch Oven 

Best Pick: Robinson Cano (3)
Worst Pick: Buster Posey (6)

DAN attended his first live draft in years this past Sunday and… completely embarrassed himself. Tbh, his starting pitching staff isn’t terrible (Scherzer, Carrasco, Stroman, Hernandez, Moore), but I don’t even know where to begin with this offense. Buster Posey in the sixth round? Have fun with those 15 HR and 75 RBI. Carlos Santana? Brad Miller? Miguel Sano? Jay fucking Bruce?! The Mets can’t even give this guy away and DAN drafts him as his UTIL. It’s going to be a long season in Chinatown.

Grade: D-

Jonny Tax Brackets 

Best Pick: Carlos Correa (2)
Worst Pick: George Springer (3)

Ah, my arch-rival, The Rat. If all falls right, this could be a year to remember for JTB, but his roster still has plenty of warts. Taking George Springer in the third round over the likes of Daniel Murphy, Robinson Cano and Freddie Freeman was a clear mistake in my opinion. However, the rest of his offense — though it lacks pop — is one of the best in FLB. He will need to add a masher and top-tier SP if he is truly to contend for a title.

Grade: B

The National Gaard 

Best Pick: Noah Syndergaard (2)
Worst Pick: Masahiro Tanaka (6)

Kershaw-Syndergaard is obviously the best one-two punch in FLB. However, not even Thor could save this team from a losing season. Fuck, the entire Avengers couldn’t save this team. Why, after drafting two of the best pitchers in baseball, do you come back in Round 6 and take Masahiro Tanaka? Makes absolutely no sense. Matt is starting Ben Zobrist, Brett Gardner and Joc Pederson in the OF. I don’t think much more needs to be said. Congrats on the new house!

Grade: D+

Bronx Bombers 

Best Pick: Edwin Encarnacion (2)
Worst Pick: Todd Frazier (6)

Cheers ‘ bro! Logan continues to improve every year and this was his best FLB draft yet. His first five rounds (Machado, Encarnacion, Murphy, Cruz, Strasburg) were, dare I say it, Jimmy D-esque. His only real mistake was drafting Todd Frazier in the sixth, but you know he’ll at least provide some pop. I’m also a big fan of his pitching staff (Strasburg, Hill, Fulmer, Richards, Nola) which is chock-full of upside. I love you, Logan. Thanks again for the BECs.

Grade: A-

Champions In The Maeken 

Best Pick: David Dahl (16)
Worst Pick: Ian Kinsler (7)

He didn’t drink too much on Sunday, he was just looking at his roster. Things were looking good after the first three rounds (Bryant, Sale, Lester), but the next five were a completely different story: Dozier, Myers, Upton, Kinsler (and the subsequent meltdown) and Matt Kemp. Outside of KG, no one had a worse run than that. I know Andy has been a perennial contender, but I just don’t see how he makes the playoffs with this squad.

Grade: D

Miggy Mouse Club 

Best Pick: N/A
Worst Pick: All

Maybe KG should have mocked. This is even worse than when Brendan took four first basemen in the first six rounds. I can’t even. I don’t know what else to say. Miggy Mouse Club may very well have both the worst offense and pitching in the league. I’m actually embarrassed I fought so hard to get KG back in. He will be colluding by Week 4.

Grade: F

Griff -IN 

Best Pick: Yoenis Cespedes (3)
Worst Pick: Elvis Andrus (7)

My soon-to-be brother, Griff-IN, let me down a bit on draft day. First, he took all of my Mets a round too early, leaving none for me. And second, he made some extremely boneheaded picks (Andrus in the seventh, J.T. Realmuto in the ninth). His team isn’t KG bad, but he will need to make a plethora of savvy moves to make his first FLB season a successful one (PM me).

Grade: D