Around 7 p.m. today, Commissioner DeSimone held a rare press conference hosted by Facebook to discuss the upcoming Fashwet World Series matchup with JTB.
The conference, which was scheduled to begin at 6:40 p.m, was delayed and nearly cancelled. The reason? Because of JTB.
Inevitably, this abhorrent delay and subsequent conference would prove to be a microcosm of Fashwet dynamics: the self-proclaimed G.O.A.T using someone as a scapegoat.
Some of the highlights:
How does it feel to be the favorite?
“I’m not the favorite. I shouldn’t be the favorite. JTB has put together this powerhouse of a team. Thanks to collusion, you know, he was gifted KB… it really is a David versus Goliath, and I am playing the role of David, I believe.”
Myth: AJ Pollock for Kris Bryant was classic trade rape.
Fact: Since the All-Star Break, AJ Pollock has batted .227 with 6 stolen bases, 34 runs, 20 RBIs and 6 HRs. Not great, but outside of batting average, has been near equal to Kris Bryant.
Just remember, this is coming from one-half of the notorious Team OK. OBJ + Jenkins for Jordan Matthews, Jimmy Graham and Eddie Lacy (2015… sad!).
“I see you’re starting a few unknowns and going for quantity over quality. Do you feel this gives you a better chance to win? Matt Olsen a NLP last week or two but this is the FWS.”
Loved it. KG with a more critical and probably most baseball-savvy question of the entire conference. The response:
“Uhh… quantity over quality, I definitely disagree with you… I’m starting five pitchers; they all have two starts.. but I’m very confident in each and every one of them… they’re all pitching great. Taijuan Walker has been pitching great. Jon Gray has been pitching great. They all have strikeout potential. I want to get out ahead. I really want to take strikeouts and wins this week…”
Despite my bias, James handled this question well and made some well-thought out decisions. A trait of a WCM. But then…
Care to comment on the fact the AJ Pollock has arguably performed better than KB since TROC?
“Thank you for the question, but, umm, as for right now, I’m not to comment on anything on the past...”
Very PC. Lackluster, but composed.
What are your views on JTB’s bizarre hatred for LC?
James projected himself through La Croix to appeal to populism. “It’s the drink of the people, I’m a man of the people, I’m a manager of the people”
I was beginning to become alarmed when he proclaimed that he is a manager of the people. Despite being a commissioner, I worry he forgets that commissioners are appointed and are limited in function. Then this question happened…
Who are you playing in honor of and who do you want to bring the trophy home for?
“All of you have been on the wrong side of the JTB rant. He is just one of the most disrespectful human beings that I know. He treats each and everyone of you like shit. He’s two-faced. He’s disgusting. Everything I do, I do for you guys…”
Appealing to the masses, pinning JTB as the enemy. He may be crass at times, but lest we forget who introduced “gamesmanship” into the Fashwet vocabulary.
Do you worry about JTB?
After repeating the question and laughing, “Classic choke artist. No, I’m not worried. I’m very confident. I can’t wait to let the chips fall where they may”
Remember when he said “I’m not the favorite; I shouldn’t be the favorite”?
But JTB is the one who is two-faced. Then it gets dirty…
Do you believe JTB’s rash of devastating losses in Fashwet have attributed to his hair loss and rat persona?
“You wanna be the G.O.A.T, but you can never beat the G.O.A.T, because to be the G.O.A.T, you gotta beat the G.O.A.T, and I’m the G.O.A.T, and JTB can’t, and JTB won’t beat me, because he isn’t able to. He’s a choke artist… and he sucks. Period”
Modesty is the best policy. And it ended after James wouldn’t comment on baldness. But thereafter, the G.O.A.T just gloated.
What cats specifically will you go on record guaranteeing?
“I’m not in that business at all. But what I do know and I do believe is that my team is better. Inevitably, we’ll come out victorious and we’re going to win at least six categories”
More or less avoiding the question. Yet the commish stated he wanted to take wins and Ks earlier in the conference. Starting to question if there truly is a plan.
Do you personally believe that if you win another FLB title, that you’re unequivocally the Fashwet GOAT?
Bragged about history for thirty seconds… but just remember, you answered a question with that you did not want to focus on the past. What about focusing on now?
What specific moment this season could you attribute your success to?
There wasn’t a specific moment and the commish did experience some fragility issues. Gave a lot of support and love to Logan. About the only unity in this entire conference.
James wished JTB the best of luck and that JTB would get James’ “best shot.”
I think both have very formidable teams and this will be a great matchup, which is why I set the line near neutral.
However, we’re in curious times. So many challenges surround us: Hurricane Irma ravaging Florida, Hurricane Harvey knocking out Houston, Matt Harvey knocking out no one, the repeal and replace of KeeneyKare, failure of the GRPT.
Personally, it saddens me when a G.O.A.T tries to use someone as a scapegoat. False allegations of trade rape with enough substantial evidence as a Zeke investigation. Blatant ad hominem attacks. Disguising narcissism with false modesty after berating someone with insults essentially demonstrates the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” concept.
I’m with JTB because he truly does look for mutually-beneficial trades, calls things how it is, and does not play into Fashwet politics. JTB seeks support and opinions in strategy, which proves to be a trait of a true leader. JTB is human. He is not a rat.
JTB is who I trust.