Commissioner DeSimone’s Draft Grades

Good luck, everyone.

BH to the Rizzo

Best Pick: Anthony Rizzo (2)
Worst Pick: N/A

Oops, I did it again! Anthony Rizzo in the second round?! Boy, you guys are bad. My offense (Harper, Rizzo, Bogaerts, Freeman, Sanchez, Schwarber, Bregman, Benintendi, Desmond) is by far the best and deepest in the league and my pitching staff is loaded with high-upside, young flamethrowers (Cole, McCullers, Gray, Vasquez). The Commish is primed to become the first back-to-back FLB champion.

Grade: A+

Angels In The Troutfield 

Best Pick: Corey Seager (3)
Worst Pick: John Lackey (10)

Second in command, second best draft. I could not be more proud of Brendan. You can’t do much better in the first three rounds (Trout, Turner, Seager) and Harvey in the 11th is an absolute steal. Lackey and Odorizzi leave much to be desired, but I’m high on Cueto/Archer and Killa’s relief pitchers may be the best in FLB (Britton, Herrera). TOK continues to reign.

Grade: A


Best Pick: Rougned Odor (4)
Worst Pick: Corey Kluber (2)

Hankin, bro. When will he get it? Madison Bumgarner in the first round is bad. Corey Kluber in the second round is V bad. Eric’s offense is so ugly that even Brendan would swipe left if he saw it on Tinder. To have any chance, he will have to move Bumgarner or Kluber for bats ASAP.

Grade: D

King James 

Best Pick: Cole Hamels (9)
Worst Pick: Adam Jones (6)

Bleh. That’s how I would best describe Twig’s draft. He took a bunch of boring players who, in my eyes, will regress in ’17 (Votto, Braun, Villar, Jones, Hendricks, Porcello). However, thanks to Keeneykare, he might just have enough to sneak into the playoffs as a five or six seed.

Grade: C+

Pawp Culture Club 

Best Pick: Yu Darvish (5)
Worst Pick: Starling Marte (2)

Where is the pawp? Outside of Nolan Arenado, no one on PCC hit more than 27 home runs last year. Sad! I have Yu Darvish penciled in as my AL Cy Young Award winner, but the rest of John’s staff stinks more than Tim’s girlfriend’s face. And Starling Marte in the second round? That’s the type of reach that can cost a team a playoff berth.

Grade: C

McCutch Oven 

Best Pick: Robinson Cano (3)
Worst Pick: Buster Posey (6)

DAN attended his first live draft in years this past Sunday and… completely embarrassed himself. Tbh, his starting pitching staff isn’t terrible (Scherzer, Carrasco, Stroman, Hernandez, Moore), but I don’t even know where to begin with this offense. Buster Posey in the sixth round? Have fun with those 15 HR and 75 RBI. Carlos Santana? Brad Miller? Miguel Sano? Jay fucking Bruce?! The Mets can’t even give this guy away and DAN drafts him as his UTIL. It’s going to be a long season in Chinatown.

Grade: D-

Jonny Tax Brackets 

Best Pick: Carlos Correa (2)
Worst Pick: George Springer (3)

Ah, my arch-rival, The Rat. If all falls right, this could be a year to remember for JTB, but his roster still has plenty of warts. Taking George Springer in the third round over the likes of Daniel Murphy, Robinson Cano and Freddie Freeman was a clear mistake in my opinion. However, the rest of his offense — though it lacks pop — is one of the best in FLB. He will need to add a masher and top-tier SP if he is truly to contend for a title.

Grade: B

The National Gaard 

Best Pick: Noah Syndergaard (2)
Worst Pick: Masahiro Tanaka (6)

Kershaw-Syndergaard is obviously the best one-two punch in FLB. However, not even Thor could save this team from a losing season. Fuck, the entire Avengers couldn’t save this team. Why, after drafting two of the best pitchers in baseball, do you come back in Round 6 and take Masahiro Tanaka? Makes absolutely no sense. Matt is starting Ben Zobrist, Brett Gardner and Joc Pederson in the OF. I don’t think much more needs to be said. Congrats on the new house!

Grade: D+

Bronx Bombers 

Best Pick: Edwin Encarnacion (2)
Worst Pick: Todd Frazier (6)

Cheers ‘ bro! Logan continues to improve every year and this was his best FLB draft yet. His first five rounds (Machado, Encarnacion, Murphy, Cruz, Strasburg) were, dare I say it, Jimmy D-esque. His only real mistake was drafting Todd Frazier in the sixth, but you know he’ll at least provide some pop. I’m also a big fan of his pitching staff (Strasburg, Hill, Fulmer, Richards, Nola) which is chock-full of upside. I love you, Logan. Thanks again for the BECs.

Grade: A-

Champions In The Maeken 

Best Pick: David Dahl (16)
Worst Pick: Ian Kinsler (7)

He didn’t drink too much on Sunday, he was just looking at his roster. Things were looking good after the first three rounds (Bryant, Sale, Lester), but the next five were a completely different story: Dozier, Myers, Upton, Kinsler (and the subsequent meltdown) and Matt Kemp. Outside of KG, no one had a worse run than that. I know Andy has been a perennial contender, but I just don’t see how he makes the playoffs with this squad.

Grade: D

Miggy Mouse Club 

Best Pick: N/A
Worst Pick: All

Maybe KG should have mocked. This is even worse than when Brendan took four first basemen in the first six rounds. I can’t even. I don’t know what else to say. Miggy Mouse Club may very well have both the worst offense and pitching in the league. I’m actually embarrassed I fought so hard to get KG back in. He will be colluding by Week 4.

Grade: F

Griff -IN 

Best Pick: Yoenis Cespedes (3)
Worst Pick: Elvis Andrus (7)

My soon-to-be brother, Griff-IN, let me down a bit on draft day. First, he took all of my Mets a round too early, leaving none for me. And second, he made some extremely boneheaded picks (Andrus in the seventh, J.T. Realmuto in the ninth). His team isn’t KG bad, but he will need to make a plethora of savvy moves to make his first FLB season a successful one (PM me).

Grade: D

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