JRAV-19: The New Virus on Fashwet’s Doorstep

With the advent of COVID-19, the globe has been embracing a pandemic. Pandemics have not been seen in the U.S. as far back as ten whole years. Even though we’ve gained much insight into communicable disease, there is a dormant virus that makes the demographic of Fashwet especially vulnerable. That virus is the JRAV-19.

JRAV-19 captured under an electron microscope alongside with other strands of coronavirus.

How did it spread?

Unlike similar diseases within its family, JRAV-19 is not restricted to one season such as winter. In fact, there are three seasons in which JRAV-19 becomes most active: baseball, football and basketball. The time exposure within itself is a cause for concern. However, JRAV-19 is peculiar in that, despite the lack of sports seasons, there still is evidence of spread, albeit slow.

JRAV-19 has been primarily witnessed during egregious transactions between team members (also known as “trade rape”). Absent of a sporting season, JRAV-19 has been transmitted through cheek clapping. Evidence has been demonstrated through untenable levels of dates obtained from Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, OKCupid, Zoosk, Match, eharmony, JDate, AdultFriendFinder, and questionably, BlackPeopleMeet.

What is the risk?

An incredibly sophisticated model that you’re too stupid to understand was developed that we recommend should not be peer reviewed but should have the ultimate decision on Fashwet policies moving forward.

Ignoring the major short comings of modeling risk and projections, the graph clearly shows that nearly every Fashwet could be impacted by the onset of JRAV-19 after a draft occurs in a given season. Despite there are several options that were unexplored (like the Swedish strategy), it is clearly evident that by having the most extreme controls, roughly 70% of Fashwets can be saved.

How do we control it?

Unlike the failure of agency response and razor-thin operating budgets/highly burnt-out staff of retirement homes/communities (to a point where it’s almost like the preliminary data and risk management concepts were grossly delayed and potentially ignored), we fortunately know some mitigation measures that can keep you and your loved ones safe from JRAV-19.

First, we have identified the most vulnerable:

  • Newborn Fashwets with <1 year of experience
  • Griff Types (GTs)
  • Those suffering from a major depressive disorder (MDD) which has become more episodic post-draft

And although the most vulnerable have been identified, this virus can impact anyone. So you should know the symptoms. Those symptoms include the following:

  • Doubt in ability to make the playoffs
  • Receiving messages from JTB while intoxicated and having second thoughts
  • Kidney disease (we don’t get it either but that dialysis machine is probably pumping in bad ideas)

So what can you do? Here are some measures to take:

  • Cover any holes in your dwelling large enough for a rat to traverse
  • Block JTB from all forms of messaging and social applications
  • Ignore polarized statements such as “Your team is garbage. I have a deal for you” and “You have nothing in [insert category]. You need help”
  • Trust the experts while taking caution to authority bias
  • Don’t trust social media for advice or anecdotal posts. Period.

There’s hope

Together, we can move forward. Together, we can reopen Fashwet operations for the greater good. There are more important things than living. And that starts with stopping JRAV-19 before it starts.

And most importantly, FJTB.

Danders was a disgruntled risk engineer that scored a 5 on his AP Biology exam, which had an essay question about anthrax transmission, thereby making him an authority on public health risk.

Leave a Reply