JRAV-19: The New Virus on Fashwet’s Doorstep

With the advent of COVID-19, the globe has been embracing a pandemic. Pandemics have not been seen in the U.S. as far back as ten whole years. Even though we’ve gained much insight into communicable disease, there is a dormant virus that makes the demographic of Fashwet especially vulnerable. That virus is the JRAV-19.

JRAV-19 captured under an electron microscope alongside with other strands of coronavirus.

How did it spread?

Unlike similar diseases within its family, JRAV-19 is not restricted to one season such as winter. In fact, there are three seasons in which JRAV-19 becomes most active: baseball, football and basketball. The time exposure within itself is a cause for concern. However, JRAV-19 is peculiar in that, despite the lack of sports seasons, there still is evidence of spread, albeit slow.

JRAV-19 has been primarily witnessed during egregious transactions between team members (also known as “trade rape”). Absent of a sporting season, JRAV-19 has been transmitted through cheek clapping. Evidence has been demonstrated through untenable levels of dates obtained from Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, OKCupid, Zoosk, Match, eharmony, JDate, AdultFriendFinder, and questionably, BlackPeopleMeet.

What is the risk?

An incredibly sophisticated model that you’re too stupid to understand was developed that we recommend should not be peer reviewed but should have the ultimate decision on Fashwet policies moving forward.

Ignoring the major short comings of modeling risk and projections, the graph clearly shows that nearly every Fashwet could be impacted by the onset of JRAV-19 after a draft occurs in a given season. Despite there are several options that were unexplored (like the Swedish strategy), it is clearly evident that by having the most extreme controls, roughly 70% of Fashwets can be saved.

How do we control it?

Unlike the failure of agency response and razor-thin operating budgets/highly burnt-out staff of retirement homes/communities (to a point where it’s almost like the preliminary data and risk management concepts were grossly delayed and potentially ignored), we fortunately know some mitigation measures that can keep you and your loved ones safe from JRAV-19.

First, we have identified the most vulnerable:

  • Newborn Fashwets with <1 year of experience
  • Griff Types (GTs)
  • Those suffering from a major depressive disorder (MDD) which has become more episodic post-draft

And although the most vulnerable have been identified, this virus can impact anyone. So you should know the symptoms. Those symptoms include the following:

  • Doubt in ability to make the playoffs
  • Receiving messages from JTB while intoxicated and having second thoughts
  • Kidney disease (we don’t get it either but that dialysis machine is probably pumping in bad ideas)

So what can you do? Here are some measures to take:

  • Cover any holes in your dwelling large enough for a rat to traverse
  • Block JTB from all forms of messaging and social applications
  • Ignore polarized statements such as “Your team is garbage. I have a deal for you” and “You have nothing in [insert category]. You need help”
  • Trust the experts while taking caution to authority bias
  • Don’t trust social media for advice or anecdotal posts. Period.

There’s hope

Together, we can move forward. Together, we can reopen Fashwet operations for the greater good. There are more important things than living. And that starts with stopping JRAV-19 before it starts.

And most importantly, FJTB.

Danders was a disgruntled risk engineer that scored a 5 on his AP Biology exam, which had an essay question about anthrax transmission, thereby making him an authority on public health risk.

Opinion: G.O.A.T Today, Gone Tomorrow

Around 7 p.m. today, Commissioner DeSimone held a rare press conference hosted by Facebook to discuss the upcoming Fashwet World Series matchup with JTB.

The conference, which was scheduled to begin at 6:40 p.m, was delayed and nearly cancelled. The reason? Because of JTB.

Inevitably, this abhorrent delay and subsequent conference would prove to be a microcosm of Fashwet dynamics: the self-proclaimed G.O.A.T using someone as a scapegoat.

Some of the highlights:

How does it feel to be the favorite?

“I’m not the favorite. I shouldn’t be the favorite. JTB has put together this powerhouse of a team. Thanks to collusion, you know, he was gifted KB… it really is a David versus Goliath, and I am playing the role of David, I believe.”

Myth: AJ Pollock for Kris Bryant was classic trade rape.
Fact: Since the All-Star Break, AJ Pollock has batted .227 with 6 stolen bases, 34 runs, 20 RBIs and 6 HRs. Not great, but outside of batting average, has been near equal to Kris Bryant.

Just remember, this is coming from one-half of the notorious Team OK. OBJ + Jenkins for Jordan Matthews, Jimmy Graham and Eddie Lacy (2015… sad!).

“I see you’re starting a few unknowns and going for quantity over quality. Do you feel this gives you a better chance to win? Matt Olsen a NLP last week or two but this is the FWS.”

Loved it. KG with a more critical and probably most baseball-savvy question of the entire conference. The response:

“Uhh… quantity over quality, I definitely disagree with you… I’m starting five pitchers; they all have two starts.. but I’m very confident in each and every one of them… they’re all pitching great. Taijuan Walker has been pitching great. Jon Gray has been pitching great. They all have strikeout potential. I want to get out ahead. I really want to take strikeouts and wins this week…”

Despite my bias, James handled this question well and made some well-thought out decisions. A trait of a WCM. But then…

Care to comment on the fact the AJ Pollock has arguably performed better than KB since TROC?

“Thank you for the question, but, umm, as for right now, I’m not to comment on anything on the past...”

Very PC. Lackluster, but composed.

What are your views on JTB’s bizarre hatred for LC?

James projected himself through La Croix to appeal to populism. “It’s the drink of the people, I’m a man of the people, I’m a manager of the people”

I was beginning to become alarmed when he proclaimed that he is a manager of the people. Despite being a commissioner, I worry he forgets that commissioners are appointed and are limited in function. Then this question happened…

Who are you playing in honor of and who do you want to bring the trophy home for?

“All of you have been on the wrong side of the JTB rant. He is just one of the most disrespectful human beings that I know. He treats each and everyone of you like shit. He’s two-faced. He’s disgusting. Everything I do, I do for you guys…”

Appealing to the masses, pinning JTB as the enemy. He may be crass at times, but lest we forget who introduced “gamesmanship” into the Fashwet vocabulary.

Do you worry about JTB?

After repeating the question and laughing, “Classic choke artist. No, I’m not worried. I’m very confident. I can’t wait to let the chips fall where they may”

Remember when he said “I’m not the favorite; I shouldn’t be the favorite”?

But JTB is the one who is two-faced. Then it gets dirty…

Do you believe JTB’s rash of devastating losses in Fashwet have attributed to his hair loss and rat persona?

“You wanna be the G.O.A.T, but you can never beat the G.O.A.T, because to be the G.O.A.T, you gotta beat the G.O.A.T, and I’m the G.O.A.T, and JTB can’t, and JTB won’t beat me, because he isn’t able to. He’s a choke artist… and he sucks. Period”

Modesty is the best policy. And it ended after James wouldn’t comment on baldness. But thereafter, the G.O.A.T just gloated.

What cats specifically will you go on record guaranteeing?

“I’m not in that business at all. But what I do know and I do believe is that my team is better. Inevitably, we’ll come out victorious and we’re going to win at least six categories”

More or less avoiding the question. Yet the commish stated he wanted to take wins and Ks earlier in the conference. Starting to question if there truly is a plan.

Do you personally believe that if you win another FLB title, that you’re unequivocally the Fashwet GOAT?

Bragged about history for thirty seconds… but just remember, you answered a question with that you did not want to focus on the past. What about focusing on now?

What specific moment this season could you attribute your success to?

There wasn’t a specific moment and the commish did experience some fragility issues. Gave a lot of support and love to Logan.  About the only unity in this entire conference.

In closing…

James wished JTB the best of luck and that JTB would get James’ “best shot.”

My Take…

I think both have very formidable teams and this will be a great matchup, which is why I set the line near neutral.

However, we’re in curious times. So many challenges surround us: Hurricane Irma ravaging Florida, Hurricane Harvey knocking out Houston, Matt Harvey knocking out no one, the repeal and replace of KeeneyKare, failure of the GRPT.

Personally, it saddens me when a G.O.A.T tries to use someone as a scapegoat. False allegations of trade rape with enough substantial evidence as a Zeke investigation. Blatant ad hominem attacks. Disguising narcissism with false modesty after berating someone with insults essentially demonstrates the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” concept.

I’m with JTB because he truly does look for mutually-beneficial trades, calls things how it is, and does not play into Fashwet politics. JTB seeks support and opinions in strategy, which proves to be a trait of a true leader. JTB is human. He is not a rat.

JTB is who I trust.


FashNews Not FakeNews

It’s time we open the blog. If you want to be an author, please message me, Jay or James.


Please refrain from using full names or last names. This is for fun.

That’s it.

Fashwet By The Numbers… FLB 2017 Draft Edition

After losing a popularity contest to Fash’s most corrupt PoFO of all time…

“I just want to thank everyone for always being there for me! Fash First!” *sulking*

…hugging a toilet and making James’ bathroom look like a Campbell’s soup factory explosion, I realized laying on the ground waiting for my train that…

I rocked the draft. But enough about me, let’s talk about you: some insights, why you’re great or why you’re KG; it’s the first edition of Fashwet by the Numbers!

Power Rankings

Here’s a very bland chart:

Team Team Value
AITT 91.3
Bbak 82.1
MAKN 56.1
BARC 54.8
PCC 50.6
JTB 47.8
HANK 47.4
XG 32.6
KING 31.8
TNG 29.1
KG 21.4
GRIFF -12.1

I did this based on auction value of your best players that you would most likely start on average. I know, very rough, very lazy and for some of you new comers, very sad!

But that was boring and there are several impacts because of depth, rising studs, injuries, etc., where it really doesn’t tell you much other then: “You’re off to a ______ start”

Going a little deeper…

So hey, that was lame. You’ll probably get the same flavor from the Commisioner’s unbiased and always true* draft grades.

*-Disrespecting our glorious leader is punishable by death

So, I made a heat map for individual stat categories:


Here, your projected stats are “normalized,” meaning that I applied each category to a bell curve. If you’re stat savvy, you can make arguments why this isn’t appropriate, but quite frankly, IDGAF and it gets the job done for what I want to conclude with…

So here, you want to be green. Green is good. Red is bad. Yellow is average. The numbers actually represent standard deviation (i.e. how far you’re away from the mean, which in this case, a zero) (EDIT: Griff-IN and I agree that it should just be deviation, and the negative/positive reflect deviations below and above the mean). To make it analogous to something, having something like a 0 means an IQ of 100… you have average intelligence. Meanwhile, having a value of 2 is like having an IQ of someone who is typically smart like a doctor or lawyer. In contrast, having something like a -2 means you have an IQ of someone who should stick to the colors and ignore what you just read.

Me too and we’ll get to the playoff predictions shortly.

For the record, I don’t believe in IQ, but hopefully you get the point.

The real point of this heat map: use this to see where you may have leverage in trading or to find areas where you need improvement. Because the more educated you are, the least likely you’ll get screwed over.

Time to trade, Griffin!

Which leads me to my last little tidbit.

Playoff Predictions

Here are my calculated chances that you, yes you, will make it to the playoffs:

(TBD this weekend: algos crashed over KGs team)